The Art of Self Care: A Final Message

Here is a message I wrote to my GODS & DIVAS group on Facebook last weekend. I want to share it here as a way to complete this blog. My 30 days were devoted to caring for myself in ways I hadn't made time for in a long while. It was about coming back to balance and slowing things down. It was also about taking a break from giving so much to others. It was time to fill my own well, which is what this passage is about. The more we give to ourselves; the more we are able to give to others. Words to live by.

Enjoy! And thank you for reading this blog.


GODS & DIVAS: THE ART OF SELF CARE


Long gone are the days when self-care was deemed ‘selfish’. At least I truly hope those days are long gone because being a GOD or DIVA is about putting yourself first. For those uncomfortable with this concept, please hear me out.

The more you give to yourself, the more you are able to give to others. When you fill your own cup, you are then free to nourish others from the overflow.

There is nothing enlightened about doing for or giving to others at the expense of ourselves, and if we are treating other people’s needs and wants as more important than our own, it’s time to stop and redirect our energies. We DESERVE to feel good on ALL levels, just as much as the next guy or gal. Living a life of exhaustion and quiet resentment never solved a thing; and is most definitely not a marker of authentic living.

You are just as valuable as your best friend, your lover, your child, your parent, your boss, etc. Yet I meet so many mothers who will pay out the ying-yang for their child to be in sports or dance, yet somehow feel that taking a class that would make their own heart sing would be frivolous.

This mother (who is not alone, because there are plenty out there just like her) is somehow is not aware that by giving herself joy and taking responsibility for her own happiness, she is ensuring her child’s well-being as well. Kids deserve happy parents!

The happier, more balanced, and more at peace you are as a person, the more balance, peace and happiness you are able to offer those around you. And if you haven’t noticed, the world needs a ton more happy people. Kids need happy parents. Lovers need happy partners. You deserve a happy you. And the world is waiting for your arrival:)

And no, I am not talking about the superficial happy people who make you want to punch that phony smile right off their face, I'm talking about the genuine sense of peace and joy that arises naturally from being in tune with your Authentic Self.

Only YOU know what it would take to get to that inner place you’ve always dreamed of. We all have different longings and we ALL have our own answers, so it absolutely makes no difference what it is you’re after. If you’re heart desires it, you are meant to have it, or your soul could not have created that incredible ‘before’ shot in honour of you.

Many come to my classes ‘seeking’ something, yet I am there to remind them that their answer is already inside them, simply waiting to be unveiled. Our task in class then, is to free ourselves of the things that are preventing our truth from shining, and realign with what we’ve always known to be true. It is our job as humans to return to our natural state: peace and happiness.

Authentic living requires being current with yourself on a regular basis. It means paying attention to your needs, your dreams, your inner voice (intuition), and honouring these things as sacred. To put it simply; being a GOD (Gentleman of Divinity) or DIVA (Divine Individual who Values Authenticity) means that you value yourself at least as much as you value those around you, because you are worth it.

And with enough practice, you will put yourself at the top of your own list because you begin to trust that taking exceptional care of your beautiful self, is one of the greatest gifts and examples you can offer the world.

With love and the hope that you will do something for yourself today that is incredibly self-indulgent and feels completely unacceptable to your old self and those around you:)

Mandy
xxx


"By God, when you see your own beauty, you will be the idol of yourself." -Rumi

Welcoming the First Day of My Brand New Life

Picture above was taken on the final day of the series to mark this personal achievement. You can see more pictures relating to the series on my other blog, Her Happy Highness.


(Written on Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 11:04am on FB Notes)


Yay! I'm done the series and will be eating steak tonight for the first time in almost 40 days! So excited! I stopped eating red meat before we did the series prep way back when, and if you recall, I had the most magnificent prelude to that 9 Day Isagenix Cleanse: 4 martinis and a 4 course meal. That's right. And it was AWESOME! Maybe not by Rob & Erica's standards, but certainly by my own:)

And now I have the task of trying to recall all that transpired over these transformative 30 days, which is hard to do because I refuse to look back on my notes, for if I did, I'm sure I would delete them all. So it's best to just let them be and simply trust that I will remember the most significant things.

Here is some of what happened:


* I didn't have any sex and I didn't date anyone, by choice, which is kind of odd in Mandyland.

* I didn't eat red meat, which sucked, but this will be remedied today!

* I ended up in the hospital and I blame it on the lack of sex and steak.

* I had a kickass photshoot with the kid which included mother-daughter pics and it was her idea and it meant a lot.

* I grew my nails for 1/2 the series. Then I went back to biting because I ran out of crack. Growing them again will be my goal for July.

* The BodyTalk sessions I did got to the root of a few things that were blocking my forward movement. See previous notes for those deets.

* Now that balanced had returned, I realized I needed a shift in the business and Natalie was so incredibly honouring about it. Now we have registered as Sole Proprietorships, having created Sacred Heart Sessions for her, and having GODS & DIVAS back home with me. :)

* I cleaned my room! And sadly I did not write a note about this event but everyone on FB knew about it! lol I posted pics of the entire process...from chaos to order and it took a whole day and the result was amazing! Clear floor!!!!!!!

* I also cleaned my entire home. And no it didn't look like my room, but I brought order to every corner of the house, and went through closets and cupboards and shelves and baskets and paperwork and EVERYTHING, and just made it even better:) I wanted it to feel like a brand new home by the end so I moved some things around, took down old stuff, put up new stuff and created a whole new and wonderful energy in our living space! Even Erica felt the difference!

* While at the Princess Cafe two Fridays ago, I locked eyes TWICE with a delicious hottie whom I felt belonged to me:) Erica saw him again two days later when she literally bumped into him as she was texting me. I love it. We shall see what the universe has planned for Miss Mandy:)

* After a few years with one, and a number of months with another, I finally closed the door for good with two hotties whom have been a very, very special part of my life, growth, and heart. These were never convential relationships and they were certainly not my boyfriends, but they meant and still mean the world to me. The whole process I went through to get to this point is in previous notes I think, but I recall leaving some things out that I felt were too sacred to share. Coming to this decision was a very personal thing for me, because I could have easily continued with both if I had chosen to, but I felt it was time to close the door and begin a new chapter. And so, because of my new choice to leave the past behind and make way for a glorious new future, I am, for the first time in years, completely unattached to someone romantically. This is HUGE! And quite new for me. I think the last time was in 2006 or early 2007. And that lasted like a week. LMAO!!!!

* My breakthrough moment occurred a few Thursdays ago, after a BodyTalk session, while hanging with Erica in my backyard. It was what this whole process was leading towards, and although implementing my new awareness was not easy because it meant sadness for another, it was necessary if I was to move forward in the direction my new self wanted to go.

* On Saturday my kid asked me why I was so happy. This is noteworthy because she used to ask why I was always so cranky.

* I am happy every day. This matters and was not always the case. Although I never let on through FB, I had spent a number of hours, days, sometimes weeks (prior to this series) in emotional pain, in tears, and/or lost in confusion over a particular dynamic I couldn't seem to free myself of, which is why I was drawn to the healing this series offered. That dynamic has since dissolved and I am free.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm sure I am forgetting a ton of stuff, but these are the things that come to mind. What is most significant for me however, is the fact that I feel like the me I've always been. I didn't want to change myself during this process as much as I wanted to release the things that were weighing me down and preventing me from living a life of peace.

For the first time in my life, I finally feel free. Completely free on every level. Let me explain, because this is the most significant aspect of what has transpired through this overall transformation.

Growing up in the family I did, I was not free to be myself as the things that made me 'ME' (like being honest, expressive, vulnerable and open), were the things I was most condemned for. Therefore, my life was spent defending my right to be myself. It was spent defending my truth and sense of what was right, while being attacked by those who sought to mute me, lessen me, change me and control me, and not through any fault of their own.

They did not do this consciously. No one with full awareness of what they are doing would ever choose dysfunction. We do our best with the light we have to see by. Some, of course, have a more expansive view than others, and therefore have more choices to choose from, but most people live within an extremely limited framework.

My own family were very limited in their choices for a number of reasons. Addictions got in the way. Mental illnesses got in the way. Variations of abuse got in the way. Generational patterns of dysfunction got in the way. And other things too. Lack of social support. Lack of family support. Lack of education and awareness. Lack of connection to the Self, to name just a few.

Yes I knew they loved me, in their own way. But that way certainly never spoke to my heart, nor did it honour me as a person. I was as much a threat to them as they were to me because as long as I was in the picture, they'd be forced to take a took at things they'd rather avoid. Conversely, as long as they were in the picture, the more negative energy I was forced to contend with, and who fucking needs it. Family or not, we all have the right to choose who deserves a spot in our sacred circle.

My mother was the exception to this. Had she not been my mother, I would have had nothing to with her for many of the years we remained connected. I don't think it was guilt that motivated me to keep her in my life, as I certainly had no issues releasing the others. It was more a sense of karmic responsibilty. We had work to do together, whether I liked it or not, and so I stuck around to git'r done. So while I could have bailed and led a life of relative peace long before now, I chose to stay connected to my mom, which I am incredibly grateful for now. She and I both had the opportunity to heal our relationship before she passed in September, and I know without a doubt that this was the work we had been preparing for all these years, and that process could not have been more beautiful, more timely, more worth all the hell that preceded it.

So this is basically how I sum up my life up to this point: A childhood that paved the way for the work I was to do as an adult. An adult life (beginning at 18) spent raising a child, while breaking the cycle, while dealing with one hell of a mother, while going to school, while building a business, while trying to find where I fit in this world and how.

And those who know me well and know what my relationship with my mother was like, will appreciate the fact that this particular relationship was the greatest burden I have ever carried, and so, as long as it was in my life, I was not free. When she passed, I was lighter. And so was she, because she felt bound by this life and sought the freedom and peace that death would inevitably bring.

After she passed, my life got crazy, in good ways, but the quiet, reclusive life that I was so used to was no longer there and I grew to miss it. Taking the time I needed for me this past month was the answer, and it has put EVERYTHING back into balance. I feel like my life is finally my own, with nothing to defend or prove. I feel like this is my true life, my true self, now that the layers of the past have been peeled away and I am free to start fresh and begin again.

So this is now my new life. A whole new chapter. One that begins with order, peace, happiness, freedom and a deep connection to those around me. What can be greater than that?

The only topper I see to this wonderful life I have created for myself, is the delicious steak that I will be enjoying tonight, and the beautiful man who will no doubt be entering my life and heart in the near future. I am open and ready for a brand new experience of enchantment and beauty.

I always hate hearing that line, 'If you knew you only had one day to live, what would you do?' because we don't know and if we did, we'd probably freak out, but what I do appreciate is its sentiment. Our lives are so scared, if we treat them as such, and I plan on savouring every moment along the way because moments are all any of us really have.

I do not strive to live as if I were dying, because when you are living in the present moment, death is the last thing on your mind. You're just living. And being alive can be wonderful when you are not bound by the past, afraid of the future or denying your worth as sacred being.

What I know for sure is that I wake up and go to bed with a smile and I enjoy most of the moments in between. I love my life and how I live it. I love myself and those around me. I love my kid and my kitties, my home and my city, my hands and my toes, my cell phone and Facebook:):)

Thank you so much to those who have read some or all or even one of my notes, and thank you to those who took the time to comment. I have appreciated all of your encouragement, love and support as I went through this process, and I am so happy to be sharing this final piece with you as well. And of course thank you to Rob, and especially Erica, for giving me the gift of myself. I have never been happier. I am so blessed.

With immense love and gratitude, for the gifts of life, friendship and love,
Mandy
xxx

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But be, as you have been, my happiness...

INNER STRENGTH SERIES COMPLETE!!!

Congratulations to me!!!!!!!

My cat Joey all up in my biznaz:)

LOVE!!! Thank you Erica!!!


(Written Tuesday, June 29, 2010 at 12:46am on FB Notes)


The universe is fucking awesome! -Erica Brandl


Indeed it is! And so is Erica, btw:) My 30 Day Inner Strength Series is officially complete, I'm tired as fuck, and I'm happy to be back on Facebook after a mini break from it so that I could tend to some personal things before the series rounded up.

I was hoping my final note would be an extensive one, outling all the changes that occurred, my reflections on everything, and ending with a beautiful and inspiring closing paragraph, but alas, my day was full, my night was long and deep and wonderful, and since today was spent still tending to the final details of my goals before the clock struck 12, I have yet to process this entire experience. I was still living it. And then I needed some music. And now I need some sleep.

So, I'm going to get the rest I need and write my reflections in the morning when I can look back on ALL 30 days, now that they are complete. Sound like a plan? Good!

I am going to bed! And I cannot wait for my STEAK!!!!!!

Mandy
xx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 28 & 29

(Written Friday, June 25, 2010 at 3:42pm on FB Notes)


Those who know don't say, and those who say don't know. -John Lennon


Well I need to be honest here:) Since I fully released the pattern that brought me to the series in the first place, I have had zero desire to write these notes. I don't even want to write this one! LOL!!!!

I succeeded in healing what was causing me the most pain and turbulence in my life, thanks to my readiness to do the work, and most especially thanks to Erica and Rob for the love and support they offered along the way. So now that I am free of it for the first time in MANY YEARS, I just want to enjoy this new level of freedom, peace and joy. The last thing I want to do is write about it. I just want to live it fully and feel its beauty, which is just what I've been doing each day:):)

So really, what else is there to write about? I have nothing to say. I am truly at peace and that is all I ever wanted, and I feel no need to put it in writing. I often write to sort out my mind, but I don't feel a need to sort as of late.

So, I won't be writing a note tomorrow, and Sunday is the series 'free day', so that will take us to Monday, which will be day 30 of the Inner Strength Series. Yay!!! I will most definitely write a note on that day to bring it all together as I close this powerful and beautiful chapter in my life.

Hope you all have an amazing weekend! I know I will as I finish up the last of the things I wanted taken care of by the end of this adventure, and of course you will hear all about these things in my next and final note.

Cheers, beloveds!

Mandy
xxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAYS 25, 26, 27

(Written Thursday, June 24, 2010 at 11:04pm on FB Notes)

So I am now a few days behind on my notes. Strange. Maybe I will try again tomorrow. For now, my beautiful bed awaits.

xxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 24

(Written Tuesday, June 22, 2010 at 12:07am on FB Notes)


If a home doesn't make sense, nothing does. -Henrietta Ripperger


Today has been a splendid and productive day, and considering it started at 5:30am, I'm surprised I'm still up:) Off to bed soon but here's the 411 on a few things that have been going on.

I had somewhat of a breakthrough today as Erica and I chatted, which changed everything for me regarding the issue I wanted to resolve through this process (and those who have been reading my notes from the start will know what I'm talking about), so here is the long-winded version of the shift that recently occurred:

As I may or may not have mentioned in a previous note, I am friends with all but one of my exes because if they were good enough to have in my life romantically, they are obviously good enough to keep in my life as friends. And so, when I started this series, I was still connected to two hotties, whom I felt no desire to cut out of my life completely, simply because I care about them and they care about me. As well, the chemistry and connection I felt with both remained strong, and I loved it, and I knew that there was always a door open for me if I ever chose to re-engage.

Their willingness to keep that door open, despite my repeated back and forth dance, made it especially hard to for me to let go. Both are sweet, want to make me happy, and they both offer things that I find absolutely wonderful. So even when I'd make a choice to end things because I knew they could not offer what I ultimately wanted for myself, all it took was a beautiful message, a kind gesture, one connected moment with these yummy men, for me to melt and move back into the dynamic.

Well, over the duration of this series, as you all know, I have been abstaining from sex, dating and of course the men I'm referring to, because I wanted to sort out my head and heart and get myself out of the pattern of returning to something that I know is not what I truly want. I suppose to those on the outside it may appear simple and obvious...just stop returning...but the pull was strong for me because I felt deeply connected. When something feels close and personal, I cannot detach very easily, even when I know the man is not the one for me. He may not be Mr. Right, but he's Mr. Right Now and there are aspects of him that I genuinely love and want to keep in my life.

Anyways, after a glorious, connected and insightful day on Friday, I knew it was time for me to close these doors for good. This was not easy, and certainly not pleasant for either recipient, but necessary if I am to make room for what I really do want.

So that's what I did. First with one, then with the other, both of which offered me something that touched my heart, in the hopes I would reconsider. Like I said, not easy. But necessary.

So here I am now, having freed myself from my last entangements, which will inevitably make space for something new to enter. I am grateful that I finally came to a crossroads. I finally had to choose, because I could no longer do the back and forth thing. It drives me fucking nuts and my goal when starting the series was to be free of it.

I had shared with Erica on Friday that I was afraid of the series ending because I would still be faced with deciding whether or not I wanted to continue on with one or both of these men. Sure I took a 30 Day reprieve, and sure I grew tons in the process, but ultimately I would need to make a choice either way, and not look back.

With Erica's support, and my eventual readiness, I took that leap, twice. And let me tell you, it's taken this entire time for me to get to this point, and it has been the hardest part. But I did it, and I am proud. And I have no doubt that I made the right choice for me, despite another's desire for me to make a different choice.

I have struggled with the back and forth thing for years, basically ever since I started dating, and therefore, much energy and time had been spent dealing with this inner conflict. But now, having made a brand new decision, I feel an inner stillness that I trust and am loving.

This shift also means that I will not be having the sexfest I was planning to have at the end of this series since I have now decided I no longer want to go through with it. My time will come, but it will be with someone else when the time is right. I am in no rush. I'm happier than I've ever been and when someone special crosses my path, I know I will be ready. Til then, I will continue to live my wonderful life and enjoy those who are already in it. YAY!

And because the inner creates the outer, my recent shot of clarity has created this incredible urge to finally get my living space in order!!! My home had been pretty chaotic for a while, but today I was all smiles as I transformed the mess into beauty, and now my home reflects the order I now feel within. It's soooooooo gorgeous!!!!! I've been at it for many hours throughout the day and there's still more to do, but I am halfway there and am going to use this final week to finish things up so that come Tuesday, I will begin my new chapter from a wonderful new space. I am sooo excited.

I am also soooo tired that my eyes are burning as I look at the screen so I'm heading to bed. I do wish I had the energy to share more as I have a ton of other exciting news, but alas, I'm about to fall over:)

Sleep tight hotties!

Love Mandy
xxx

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Creating a comfortable, beautiful, well-run home can be among our most satisfying accomplishments as well as an illuminating spiritual experience. -Sarah Ban Breathnach

Prayer and housekeeping-they go together. They have always gone together. We simply know that our daily round *is* how we live. When we clean and order our homes, we are somehow also cleaning and ordering ourselves. -Gunilla Norris

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAYS 22 & 23

(Written Saturday, June 19, 2010 at 11:12pm on FB Notes)


There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way. -Christoper Morley


I missed writing yesterday's note and I'm here to make up for lost time:) The day was super busy and didn't end til about 3 or 4 am this morning, so that's my excuse:) I had an amazing day yesterday, and had a session with Erica in the middle of it, which was wonderful, affirming, inspiring and perfect in every way.

As for the details of what we talked about, well, it is something I do not want to share publicly, as it is very sacred to me, but I will say that the specific issue that drew me to taking the Inner Strength Series in the first place, has since been uprooted, healed and cleared.

I have never been happier, and I'm a pretty happy human for the most part. But finally being free of the inner struggle I had been facing, makes me feel so at peace, so grateful and very excited about what is to come.

Day 24 of the series is on Monday (Sundays are free days), and then it's just one week left before I have a delicious steak to celebrate the completion of this chapter in my life!

Next week I will have 2 Discovery Sessions with Erica, and then starting in July, I will be guiding Erica through her own 30 Days of Transformation with the DIVA CLASSES as the base. Through helping me to slow down in my own life, Erica realized she needed to do the same and has decided to take the next 3 months off from her business to make room for her sweet self. I think this is fabulous, and also pretty funny because I've been promoting a fantastic service that no one will be able to access for a few months:) Sorry everyone!;)

Yesterday's visit with Erica was a true blessing because it seems we had both unravelled our respective webs during this process together, and as we sat across from one another in the sun, we witnessed each other's changes through the immense peace and contentment we both felt and exuded. She told me that I sparkled, and I told her I wish I had my camera because she looked like she should be in a magazine! The wind was blowing her hair and her smile was huge and she just radiated beauty <3

I am so proud of the both of us. We both believe we were brought to one another to heal one another, and that's just what we've done. As Lao Tzu so wisely stated, "The teacher and the taught create the teaching." And our teaching has been such an incredible gift.

Thank you to those who have taken the time to read my notes during this process. So much has changed over the past month and I am so honoured to have been part of Erica & Rob's creation. Your comments have been great, and it means a lot to me that reading about my journey has somehow helped to validate your own.

With so much love,
Mandy
xxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 21

(Written Friday, June 18, 2010 at 12:10am on FB Notes)


You are beautiful, just the way you are, regardless of what you do or don't do, past, present, and future, no matter where you go, even on your not-so-good days, whatever you choose, with all of your unique qualities, simply because you're you.

-A Carlton Card I bought for myself many years ago. Still love it.


Well, here I am about to pass out lol but I will offer a bit before I do:)

Great day overall, though pretty busy. Had my second BodyTalk Session with Angela this morning and I boohooed cuz she asked a question that got to the heart of something (to do with a boy) and so we did work with that and at the end she said she cannot release it all in this session, there is still more to heal, and I said, "No problem. I'll give it til 4pm to clear." She and Erica laughed but I wasn't joking. I learn, heal, and transform pretty quickly, so why would I need a ton of time? I don't. Change happens instantly when a person is ready. You don't need years of therapy. You just need the awareness that this moment brings.

"There is no need to investigate the unconscious past in you except as it manifests at this moment as a thought, an emotion, a desire, a reaction or an external event that happens to you. Whatever you need to know about the unconscious past in you, the challenges of the present will bring it out. You cannot find yourself by going into the past. You find yourself by coming into the present." -Eckhart Tolle.

After that Erica and I had our Discovery Session while catching some rays in my backyard and she dug even deeper, and we eventually got to the root of my inability to release the one hottie who happened to be the reason I sought this series in the first place. The insight feels too personal for me to share (I know, as if there's ever been a limit to what I share on public forums:) so I'm keeping it close to my heart because it means that much to me.

FYI: Erica left at about 3:30. You got. Never thought anything of it till I got a text from her at 6pm reminding me that we uncovered and healed it by 4pm!! My text response? "LMFAO!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!! Yer right!!!!!! Praise the lord and hallelujah!!!!!"

And I celebrated this breakthrough all evening by just sitting with the peace I felt towards a situation that I have felt conflicted over for a very, very, very long time. And for today at least, I feel free of it completely. Let us hope it sticks for good.

Well, off to bed. I have my radio show in the morning, followed by another session with Erica as we pull the threads of a few more things I'd like to tend to while in the series. Really looking forward to it!

Hope you are well. Thanks so much for reading these notes.

With love,
Mandy
xxxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 20

(Wednesday, June 16, 2010 at 10:30pm on FB Notes)

Neeeeeeed sleeeeeeeep. That is all.

Nite nite, hotties!

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 19

(Written Tuesday, June 15, 2010 at 9:58pm on FB Notes)


By God, when you see your own beauty, you will be the idol of yourself. -Rumi


The day has been fantastic and I've been in the throws of a highly creative vortex as of late. I'm in absolute heaven and have been making the most of this time while it's here, because I've gone through enough creative cycles to know that all inspired times come to an end. As artists then, it's our job to enter these periods fully, while they are available for us to use, because they are time-limited and require all that we can muster.

We cannot pick and choose when inspiration hits, nor can we put it off when it arrives because to do so would be akin to muting the voice of our true self, the self that wants to sing out and celebrate in whatever way it can.

And so, I'm riding this wave and loving it. And once this wave is done, I will be guided to another wave that will allow me to regenerate, contemplate and reengage the world. But for now, my entire being is eager to create art, to express itself, to share something beautiful with the world.

I'm heading to bed for a good night's sleep and am looking forward to tomorrow as I am dedicating the full day to creating even more. I have a few sites I'm about to design and I can't wait!!!!

Oh, I also wanted to share that today is the very first day I am completely pain-free since before my hospital visit over a week ago. COMPLETELY!!! I did all these wacky moves today just to see if it was real, and sure enough, no pain!!! And even yesterday I still had it as it hurt a bit to lay down. So I'm happy that it has healed.

Oh, also, I miss men. One in particular, whom I still cannot get out of my mind. Not sure yet what I will do with that at the end of this series, but I am noting it, and I will deal with it when the time comes.

Hope you all have been well and I love you.

Mandy
xxxx


What you love, you are. -Rumi

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 18

(Written Monday, June 14, 2010 at 11:58pm on FB Notes)

The recipe for beauty is to have less illusion and more Soul, to retreat from the belief of pain or pleasure in the body into the unchanging calm and glorious freedom of spiritual harmony. -Mary Baker Eddy

Ahhh, spiritual harmony. Me thinks that's the reason I be smiling every day!:)

I thoroughly enjoyed my weekend off from the series and spent my time doing what I most love: creating. I mean hours upon hours of it!!! Happy! Happy! Happy!

So after 2 days in Mandyland heaven, Erica and I touched base today and have decided to cut the sessions down this week and next. Why? Because it feels natural to do this. I don't require what I did when I began this series because the most important issues for me have been addressed and healed. So now it's simply a matter of living out my life free of the things that had been weighing me down, whether physically, emotionally or mentally.

I will have my second and final Body Talk session on Thursday with Angela MacDonald of For Wellness Natural Services, and then I will have a Discovery Session with Erica on Friday. My Move Sessions with Rob didn't go very far due to my belly issue, and it only makes sense to continue to take things easy this week as my body needs to heals itself fully before I put it to work, so I will just keep up with my walks, get enough rest and pay attention to my body's needs.

Things are going great. I feel great. I love my life and I love feeling lighter than when I began...on every level.

Over the weekend I came up with a term that describes my newest experience of life: Enchanted Chaos...and I will be creating a class out of this concept in the future. But here's the long-winded story behind its creation:)

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When I first shared all my goals with Erica, a number of them were based on a vision I had of myself at my highest. In this vision my place was tidy each day because I finally took time to make that a priority, my nails were grown because I was so relaxed that I no longer felt the need to bite them, and I was submitting my articles on time. These are just a few of the things I wanted 'fixed'. I had a very long list.

But as it turns out, these things have become much less important to me each day.

After the hospital incident I had to slow down in all areas, and that was hard for me because I am used to being active and productive. But that slowing down is what I most needed, to gain a new perspective on myself and my life. I was already appreciative of so much in my world, but up until the end of last week, I had always been so hard on myself over all the things I felt I had left to do. Erica noticed this during our first session and she sensed that it was a limiting pattern that I inherited from my mother, as her self-hatred ran very deep. It was so sad.

I constantly felt like I was not measuring up to the ideals I had set for myself, so no matter what I was doing (even if it looked like a lot from the outside), for me it was never enough. For years I have been known to berate myself, just as my mother did to herself and to me, which of course isn't pretty or very self-nurturing. So while I helped others to see their own beauty and learn how to treat themselves well, I was struggling to do the same. I never questioned my beauty and intelligence and ability to succeed, but I forever felt that nothing I did was ever good enough, nor fast enough. I was always rushing to get somewhere else in my mind, and therefore, my life.

As a result of never feeling good enough, my expectations of myself were very, very high, which did not allow for a whole lot of beautiful humanity, but sure as hell propelled me to accomplish all the things I set out to do. So why would I see my high expectations as a bad thing? They were the force that directed my sails and showed me where I wanted to go.

Except that ending up in the hospital kinda killed my plans to shine in this series. I had so many goals and the emerg visit fucked those right up. What I am able to appreciate now however, is that this particular situation humbled me. It put my incessant striving to a dead halt and I was forced to deal with the only thing I could; myself in a state of grace.

All that inability to rush to the next thing (which was a Mandyland way of life) brought me right back to the place where I belonged; the present moment. And I have grown to love it here. And I feel a new sense of peace, a new sense of empowerment and a deeper appreciation for myself and all that I've accomplished over the last 15 years.

Instead of my frantic compulsion to get to the place I thought I was supposed to be (which resulted in eating, thinking, walking, talking and doing things waaay too fast), I realized there was nowhere I needed to get to because right here and right now is pretty fucking awesome.

This has changed EVERYTHING!!!

As I enjoyed my lovely weekend amidst the insane mess in my house, I noticed that it didn't bother me, whereas it always had because it was one more thing to add to my internal list of a million things I still had to do and never had time for. My mind had always gone on super speed, and I noticed and tallied everything on an hourly basis. I was hardly free from it all, despite the fact that I found joy through many things. I truly did, but I was always seconds away from getting on to the next thing. Never settled; always moving.

But this weekend I looked at the state of my house and I loved it. And I declared it Enchanted Chaos. Why? Because there was beauty in this mess. It was messy because I was spending my time being me, and going at the pace that now feels natural to me. The reason why I had neglected to clean was because I had first been unwell, and then once I was finally feeling better I was so busy enjoying my wellness that cleaning was the very last thing on my list of to do's. I wanted to write, hang with the kid, eat, nap, lay in the sun, do nothing, and then do more of nothing, until I was ready to get creative, which lasted all of Sunday, straight from the morning until about 3am Monday morning. It was fucking awesome.

And I need to point out that doing all of those wonderful things is not new for me at all. I'm pretty great at doing the things I love since my life is comprised of those things every day. What IS new for me however, is my freedom from the internal critic that judged me so harshly for not having all my shit together, for not yet being the Mandy who can keep her place tidy each day, for letting things get so overwhelming messy. I really believed all these years that once I achieved these things that felt so important for me to change, I would know I had 'succeeded' and mastered my life. So silly. Because as far as I can see right now, I'm doing a pretty great job at life, even amongst the chaos, and I'm fine as I am, regardless of anything external.

So I have news for that inner critic: I'm one fucking person. And an amazing one at that. And I do MORE than enough, and ALWAYS have, but you made me believe otherwise. And I don't give a rat's ass how messy my place gets while I'm busy living my kickass life.I hope I never have it all together if that means being bound by a set of ideas based on an illusion. My relationships and creativity and naps and sun worshipping and writing have ALWAYS trumped everything else, including cleaning and writing my articles apparently. LOL!!! So I see this as a cause for celebration, not condemnation. So fuck you critic. I'm not playing your game anymore. It's my life and that was my mom's stuff, not mine. So I'm claiming my birthright; peace and happiness.

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When I met with Angela for the Body Talk session she had indicated that tied in with my subconsious belief that I was unworthy (did not deserve all the good that came with these changes I'm making), was also a lack of self-acceptance. I completely dismissed this idea because I felt I was the queen of self acceptance. I mean, COME ON!!! Do you know who you're talking to??? But today I thought about it, and she was right. And I only know that now because of the shift that occurred after our session. Because I feel so relaxed and comfortable with myself, in a way I've not felt before, and I believe it's because the false beliefs have dissolved and I've been left with nothing but my pure, untainted self and she is absolutely wonderful and has nothing to prove to that inner critic anymore. So to that end, I actually DO feel like the lack of self-acceptance was indeed the block, and now that the block has been removed, here I am, feeling so peachy:)

I feel so free, at last, and nothing tops it. I love that I can now say, 'Wow, I remember when I used to feel like I wasn't good enough. For what and for whom? I don't know. It's now irrelevant. What matters is that this underlying bullshit message has been the thing holding me back from truly being free, and NOW I feel free of it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We still don't have clean dishes, and I still cannot see my bedroom floor, or the bathroom counter for that matter, but all I see is proof that I'm really living. It'll get done when I'm ready, which will be in less than 24 hours because I have a DIVA CLASS tomorrow night, so why stress it. It'll happen.

But for now, I've got better things to do. Like smile and be so grateful for my genuine happiness. And sleep. I definitely need to get some sleep. But only after a long, hot bath, more smiles, some genuine self-love and a whole lot of bubbles.

I'm happy, healthy and loved. What else matters? The rest is just icing on the cake.

Mandy
xxx

The Down Cycle

Let's explore the down cycle, shall we? This is in light of what I went through last week. I'm sure many people can relate. Enjoy, and be easy on yourself. xx

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"It is not true that the up cycle is good and the down cycle bad, except in the mind’s judgment. Growth is usually considered positive, but nothing can grow forever. If growth, of whatever kind, were to go on and on, it would eventually become monstrous and destructive. Dissolution is needed for new growth to happen. One cannot exist without the other…

Your physical energy is also subject to cycles. It cannot always be at peak. There will be times of low as well as high energy. There will be periods when you are highly active and creative, but there may also be times when everything seems stagnant, when it seems that you are not getting anywhere, not achieving anything. A cycle can last for anything from a few hours to a few years…

Many illnesses are created through fighting against the cycles of low energy, which are vital for regeneration. The compulsion to do…makes it hard or impossible for you to accept the low cycles and allow them to be. Thus, the intelligence of the organism may take over as a self-protective measure and create an illness in order to force you to stop, so that the necessary regeneration can take place."

From ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle

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Thank you to those who have been following along, posting comments on FB and offering love and support along the way:) It has meant so much, especially during the challenging week I had.

With lotsa love,
Mandy

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: WEEKEND OFF

(Written Saturday, June 12, 2010 at 11:52pm on FB Notes)


If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it. -Anaïs Nin

And on that note, I've got nothing I feel compelled to share today. I am simply enjoying my life.

Mandy
xxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAYS 16 & 17

DAY 16: (Written Friday, June 11, 2010 at 11:26pm on FB Notes)


What am I doing? Nothing. I am letting life rain upon me. -Rahel Varnhagen


Well yesterday and today have been fucking fantastic in every way! As I wrote last night on my update, "Mandy may update more than the average Facebook addict but I really have to tell the (cyber) world that I feel so happy I could cry. Today was an exceptional day for me on so many counts and I cannot even express my joy and new sense of empowerment, freedom, clarity, trust and self-love. A marker day for me. This one will go down in Mandyland history. So grateful ♥"

So basically I've been basking in the beauty of life; just sitting, smiling, savouring, loving.

Today I was able to lay down fully for the first time in a week and so I finally got to lay in the sun, which has always been a Mandyland staple:):):) I have zero pain now and I imagine I will be back to my yoga this weekend or Monday without strain.

Given the fact that I had been in physical pain all week, Rob and I postponed our Move Sessions this past week and will resume those next week, and of course we will start me out very easy. I'm really looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

For now though, I am taking the weekend off (this time for realzies:) and am just going to chillax, create, sleep, clean, eat and celebrate the beauty of life and living. On Monday I will reconnect with Rob and Erica and we will plan the week ahead.

There is so much that has transpired, all of it wonderful, but I'm so content just being and having life shower me with its brilliance that I really don't feel like typing:)

I'm going to take a nice hot bath and get a great night's sleep because I no longer need to sleep crunched up:) I can spread myself out however I'd like in my bed which makes me smile ear to ear:):):)

I am EXTREMELY grateful to be free of pain and discomfort. I already enjoyed the little things in life, but now I'm enjoying the teeny weeny things in life as well:):) I feel like I'm in a technicolour world right now and I couldn't be happier!!!

I'm healthy, I'm loved and I am living the life of my dreams. What tops that? The rest is icing on the cake. Like laying in the sun, listening to oldies, getting homemade cookies delivered to the radio station, hanging with my lil sis from Calgary, having a photoshoot with my gorgeous daughter, falling in love with Joey all over again each time he purrs and rolls over to get a belly rub, and having the most incredible business partnership with the greatest creative collaborator on the planet. I love my life.

Thank you for reading this, whoever you are.

With immense love and gratitude for the gift of life and the gift of Facebook which connects hearts, minds and souls,
Mandy
xxxxx

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There is no wealth but life. -John Ruskin


DAY 17: (Written Saturday, June 12, 2010 at 11:52pm on FB Notes)


If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it. -Anaïs Nin


And on that note, I've got nothing I feel compelled to share today. I am simply enjoying my life.

Mandy
xxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 15

(Written Thursday, June 10, 2010 at 6:17pm on FB Notes)


The teacher and the taught create the teaching. -Lao Tzu

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Well today was a marker day for me and I feel fantastic! I went to bed feeling wonderful after writing last night's note, and I woke up finally feeling like myself. It did not hurt to get up and walking up the stairs was not an issue this morning. When I try to stretch I still feel the pain, but apart from that, I'm getting better each day.

My first Body Talk session with Angela MacDonald was this morning and we unveiled the cause of my tummy pain. Just as the naturopath mentioned when I spoke with her yesterday, emotional and spiritual issues can manifest themselves physically and that's precisely what has happened with me.

Now for some of you reading this, especially if metaphysical principles are new to you, you may think it's a whole lot of bullshit that I'm about to express:):) And you're entitled. But for those of you who are interested and open to an alternative way of healing, you're really gonna dig this!!! And keep in mind that Angela was an engineer for 10 years before embarking on this path, so her ability to make sense of complex systems was already highly developed before she started this work 2 years ago.

Unfortunately I am pressed for time as I have a DIVA CLASS to prepare for, so I will just be listing the basics of what transpired today and the connections we made. Please know that I am hardly doing the experience justice and there was MUCH more to it than I'm able to share right now.

The first thing out of Angela's mouth when I went to lay down was, "You're in pain." Yeppers. And she asked me what I wanted her to focus on, and I put my hand over the area that has been in pain since last Tuesday. She put her hand over that spot and remarked at how charged it was. And as she lifted her hand higher above it, still feeling the intense charge and said, "This is not a physical issue. It's an emotional one." I said, "I knew it!!!!"

And she did a series of cool things and I breathed deeply throughout the process and she would make many comments and notes along the way of the energies she was observing and where they were located and what they meant. So basically she was having a conversation with my body and relaying the information to me. It was fascinating.

Here are some of the key things that stood out for me, and I'd like to remind you that I met her for the first time today, that we had never even had a conversation before I went to see her, so she has no idea about my history whatsoever.

When she was focused on the area of my belly that has been hurting, she said that it is linked to something that occurred when I was 17 and when I was 6. Well I knew immediately what that was. So we debriefed a bit about my past and began to make connections.

At age 6, I was sexually violated. This is no biggie for me to share because I have already done much of my work with this issue, and I know that more than 3/4 of all women have experienced the same thing (studies have proved it), so whether or not it's talked about, chances are high that you or someone you know has been violated.

Anyways, Angela says that the energy my belly is holding right now is an unconscious belief that I do not deserve the healing I am trying to give myself through this series. Intellectually I know I do, but this pattern of thought has been an underlying issue all these years, that I do not deserve, and it has finally risen to the surface to be purged. Yay!

My tummy is trying to assimilate all these logical thoughts but there is friction because my unconscious is not on the same page with what I'm doing. My false belief that I do not deserve is a very real energy that doesn't want to die, and me doing this whole series is a massive threat to it because all of my changes are forcing it out and it is refusing to let go. Hence the pain.

She also noted something in my left shoulder which has to do with freedom, responsibility and lack of protection (if none of this is making sense to you, I suggest you read 'You Can Heal Your Life' by Louise L. Hay for an introduction to the unseen energies connected to each body part as well as the underlying thought pattern that is creating your ailment(s) and how to correct this) and she sensed my desire to be free. Well yes, of course! I want to be free of my pattern with men (as mentioned in previous notes) as that was the issue that made me seek this series in the first place.

Well it looks like I have come face to face with the culprit. An event that occured 28 years ago but marked me for life. This trauma to my system and sense of self created a severing from my relationships with men, my family and myself in an effort to self-protect. In addition to this, Angela even suggested that my pattern of cutting things off with men repeatedly could simply be my fight or flight response in action, because when I do pull away it is absolutely because my sense of self feels threatened. And whether or not my perception is accurate, my reality is honoured and I do what I need to in order to feel safe and comfortable again.

So this is some of what occurred and I will be going back next Thursday to heal some more. My body feels significantly better but she and I both know there's a bit more work to be done in order to heal this completely. I'm very excited about it and I know this pain is already in the process of dissolving and will be non-existent in no time because we have tapped into the root of the problem: a past issue which created a limiting belief that is refusing to be released at this time.

This all makes a lot of sense to me and answers a few things. I never understood why it was so easy for me to manifest in every other area of my life, yet be plagued with this wacky pattern with men simultaneously. The rest of my life feels on track but I never fully understood what was preventing me from having the kind of relationship I most wanted with someone. And now I know that the block has been in place for a very long time, and now it's time to heal it once and for all. Because how on earth could I embrace the love of my dreams while a deeper part of me felt unworthy of such a gift?

There was always an inner conflict. In every dynamic with every man, I was torn. Each of them would agree, I'm sure. I was in, then I was out. I was certain and on board, then I was uncertain and jumped ship. I was wanting a committed relationship, then a day or an hour later I wanted complete freedom from one. I felt at odds with myself and probably appeared a bit crazy:) But I was simply conflicted. I always had two parts at war. Both felt very real and very true and so I just honoured each wave as it passed.

So if we have uncovered the piece that has been ailing me all these years, well that's fucking awesome!!!! We will see. I still need time to process it all, and I need a good sleep. And I hope that what I just wrote makes some sense to someone reading this, because I don't have time to re-read it before class:):)

Hoping you all have a great evening and I look forward to posting more insights and connections tomorrow.

Mandy
xxx

OH!! AND P.S.!!!! Angela also noted how grounded I am (as she did this thingy over my feet). She was suprised by this considering what my body was going through, and I was super excited about that feedback because my friend Danielle, another inuitive healer, commented 2 weeks ago on the same thing...and she was also suprised by this because she had worked with me a few times prior to that and my wild energy and lack of grounding was most predominent:):):) So I feel proud about this shift.

That is all:)

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 14

(Written Wednesday, June 9, 2010 at 11:03pm on FB Notes)


It does not matter how much we desire something. It does not matter how attractive something is to us. And it does not matter how logical something appears. If something does not feel right, that something is not right for us. -Tsunyota Kohet

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I love this quote. Just found it this evening and it reminded me of my own truth. This whole process is helping me to get even more in tune with myself on every level, and the more in tune I am, the more clarity I have and the easier it is to honour what is right for me. I have rid myself of a number of toxins in my life. People, situations, foods. Even though I desired them and wanted them, they were not good for me.

I have made many changes over the last few weeks...in my life, my body, my mind, my home, my business and in my relationships. I wanted to make the most of these 30 days devoted to myself, so I went all out, as is my nature. I don't do anything half-assed. When I'm in, I'm in fully and completely.

So here I am. I'm ready for bed but want to write this first, as tomorrow I leave at 9am to go to a Body Talk session, followed by a Discovery session and then I have a DIVA CLASS in the evening. Full day and night.

For those who follow my notes, I'm happy to say that I am feeling much better today.

I know some were concerned yesterday, and thank you, but we all have days like that and it's no biggie. I just happen to share my shit moments as freely as I share my inspired moments. I'm not accustomed to censoring myself, and I rarely re-read the things I write because if I did, I'd probably delete everything. And if I started to think or care about what others thought of what I wrote, I probably wouldn't write at all. So, I just write my reality at that moment, post it, and leave it behind. And I trust that those who are open to it, will find their way to my words and find some benefit in them.

Alas, I digress.

Back to feeling better. Yes, it's true. My tummy pain has gone from the lower left to the upper center, and I have no idea if this is good or bad yet, but it is what it is and it is manageable and I feel less crippled. Something is moving. And tomorrow I will no doubt unearth a few things about what my body is going through.

I spoke to a naturopath today and loved that because we spoke the same language. We both believe my body is sending a very important message to me and that by paying attention to it, instead of attempting to supress or mute it (through drugs for example), I will be led to the right solution for me and my body. She and I also share the belief that the body is capable of self-healing, and that an ailment simply indicates that something is out of balance, and it is our job to bring it back to balance in the most natural and non-invasive way possible. I understand this is not possible or even wise for everyone, and that conventional medicine absolutely has its place, but for me right now, I am taking a less traditional approach to things.

I have gone 15 years without a family doctor. Not saying that's good or bad. It's just a fact. And getting one is still not my first priority, even after what happened to me last week. For me that would be a last resort because I would rather work with those who share a similar framework as I do. And although medication has its place and many people in the world rely on meds for various things, I have never been one of them and I don't see that changing.

When my mom passed and I cleaned out her place, there was a mini drugstore in there. I can't imagine what all of them combined were doing to her system day in and day out. And she, like many people I know, relied on doctors and meds for healing, but I never saw them actually work on her. And when her or the doctor would realize it wasn't working, they'd just prescribe something else. An endless cycle of pills, meant to take care of this or that, but never ever dealing with the root cause, while continually reducing my mother's ability to listen to her body's signals.

Instead of learning how to trust herself and her body, my mom habitually handed her personal power over to others. Most people do. It's not easy taking responsibility for ourselves, our lives, our choices, our health. Much easier to follow someone else's orders. Much easier to relieve ourselves of our soul's duty to find our own answers. Much easier to to think that someone else knows more than we do just because of their education or the intials behind their name.

I know I sound like I'm knocking doctors on the whole, but I'm not. There is a place for everything. And we all need different things at different times depending on where we are at along our journey. What I am frustrated by, is not the doctors doing what they were trained to do, but by a system that does not support or encourage a patient's full participation in their own healing.

A stranger whom you have never met, who barely knows you, has been given the power to medicate you. Am I the only one that finds this a bit scary? We have the right to ask a million questions. It's OUR body. We have a right to decline treatment. It's OUR body. We have a right to know anything and everything that is being done to us by another...its purpose, it effects, OTHER OPTIONS MAYBE!!!!:):):)

I'll share a personal story. When I was 17 or 18, my school counsellor had me admitted to the hospital on a day I went to see her. I don't recall what I expressed, but she was obviously concerned, and there I was in a hospital bed. Turns out I was suffering from depression. They set me up with the hospital's psychiatrist while I was there. During the session he told me I had a chemical imbalance and I required meds. I told him I didn't want to take meds. He told me I would never be happy if I didn't. That I would be miserable for the rest of my life because it doesn't go away and blah blah blah...and who cares cuz the schmuck was fired the following year, praise the Lord and hallelujah.

Even though I was young, and I had no proof to support my beliefs, I told him that I believed there was another way. That there was a reason I was so unhappy. Wise little girl. I knew even before I consciously started my path that I had the answers and healing I was seeking, and they didn't come in a plastic container.

He didn't care and he gave me meds. That was his job. That's what he did. I did not take them for long. I tried, to appease the mother who also was on meds for depression, but I always threw them up. Turns out I was pregnant and had been for 4 1/2 months. Body wisdom wouldn't accept the meds. Love it! And after having Paige, I realized my family was...well...reason enough to be miserable, and so I moved out, fully committed to my well-being, raised a kid and voila! Here I am:)

So what's my point? Pills only mask the real problem. They don't heal it. If anything, they take you further away from your body's natural wisdom. Pop the pill and the pain is gone, right? Not at all. You've simply applied a bandaid to the wound. The bandaid wears off. Wound is still there. So you pop more pills, apply another bandaid. To what end?

I didn't even last 24 hours on the meds they gave me at the hospital. When I returned on Saturday for the ultrasound, I was high on the pain killers. It was fucked. Yes it helped with the pain, and damn straight I was praising these drugs the night before for making it possible for me to attend the graffiti show without keeling over, but as a daily state? No thanks. My first goal was not to get rid of the pain. My goal was to find out what was causing the pain so that I could heal it. The hospital has another goal altogether. Assess. Test. Medicate if necessary. Discharge.

Well that doesn't work for me. I need to be more than just a number. I need time and connection. I need to be cared for. I need a healer that doesn't turn to pills as a first resort. I need a healer that understands and respects the mind/body/spirit connection. I need a wholistic approach. I don't need quick fixes at all. I need help to heal my body that is screaming something that I don't understand yet. And now I'm getting that.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's Body Talk session. I've never had one and I'm really open to it. I have a strong feeling that my body simply manifested what I've been going through during this series. There's no way I could make all these changes simultaneously and have it not affect my body in some way. As my friend Shawnda pointed out today: " Think about what happens in your stomach. Makes total sense. You are digesting a lot of change. Breaking down a lot of stuff."

And as the naturopath pointed out, our emotions can also bring about changes in the body. It may manifest physically, but the root can be emotional or spiritual as well. It can even be past stuff from many years ago, finally coming to the surface to be purged. So I am open to learning about these things. My body knows what's up. It's a smart cookie. I trust it. And I love it. That is why I went to emerg. That is why I would go back if I had to. But for now, I don't need to. For now, I'm finding a gentle groove with my body and am listening to what it's saying. It needs sleep, stillness, care and attention. I can do that. And together, we will find a new way to stand.

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Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. -Buddha

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 13

(Written Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 3:42pm on FB Notes)


In essence the struggle is necessary for the butterfly to survive. Then in the stillness, when the struggle is over, the butterfly can come out and share its beauty with the world.

We as humans are not any different. There are times that we need to struggle, to rid ourselves of the acids that make up sadness, fear, and anger. It is only at this time when we are exhausted and still that we begin to hear the Universe whisper to us.

Tony Masiello

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This passage seems to encapsulate what is going on for me right now. Been struggling and I'm flippin exhausted so the universe best start whispering before I break open a can of whoop-ass on the world.

I went to bed in tears last night, so frustrated at being unable to sleep on my stomach like I wanted, and in pain just switching positions. I swore. I cried. I gave up and just wept. I even had to ask Paige to shut the kitchen window because I tried but I couldn't. It was a powerless feeling. And yes, I am going to get myself checked out again soon, but not at the hospital, because that experience was useless.

This is what ran through my mind last night: "I'm young, I'm healthy and I have everything going for me, yet here I am laying in bed, feeling crippled, unable to get up or roll over without pain and effort. What the fuck?! And why? Why me when I DO take good care of myself? Why me when I'm actively taking even BETTER care of myself? Why now, when I'm totally doing all the right things and am making time for myself and my healing?" It hurts that this has happened. Not just because of the physical pain, but because it is something I would never have chosen for myself.

As far as I can see it, I was on the right track. Doing the detox, doing this series, ridding myself of the things and people that I knew were not healthy and good for me, and I had been working so hard at making a ton of changes AND I was seeing incredible results!!

And then I realized how tired I was. And then my body put up a fuss.

Last Tuesday I had a Move session with Rob followed by a Discovery session with Erica and I was not myself. So tired. Done. Had a hard time even talking, let alone thinking and being insightful.

Rob and I did yoga to not push my body too much and Erica and I kept the session really short. In my next note, part of what I wrote included this: "In light of all the work I've been doing, and the busy time I have coming up, Rob, Erica & I decided that it would be wise and beneficial for me to take a few days off from the sessions with them. I love this idea and I need the reprieve so that I can take the time to process everything and just live out the insights I've gained. I will still do the daily notes during my time off so that I can keep current with my process."

So that was the plan. Except I did not take any time off. Sure I wasn't doing the sessions but I was doing everything else just as I had before. I felt it was alright because it was a creative energy that was driving me, which I was used to, and when I'm in that wild vortex, I can make anything happen at a ridiculous speed. So I went back to Mandy-mode getting prepared and excited for the upcoming graffiti show, but by Friday morning, my body rebelled, and by evening I was in the hospital.

If I look back, I was in pain on Tuesday before Rob picked me up, but I just chalked it up as PMS, not that I typically get symptoms, but there's a first time for everything and I wasn't assuming something was actually wrong at that point. In the car I told him my belly hurt so I'll need to take it easy, and that's just what we did. As we did certain yoga moves, I said it hurt my belly, and so we'd stop doing those moves and focus on others. Again, I wasn't thinking it was an issue, just strange, and definitely something I can just set aside while I focus on other things. Clearly it wasn't significant enough to me for me to write about. I just assumed it would go away.

Well it didn't go away. It had been trying to get my attention for a while but I was too busy to really notice or even care. I was focused on the show and all the last minute things that needed to be done, which in Mandyland, often means little sleep, forgetting to eat, and then once I'm reminded through a growling belly, gorging on whatever food I get my hands on, resulting in a sore tummy.

Again I must reiterate that I have functioned on super-speed for a loooooong time. I have heard from a few people over the years that I'm like 3 or 4 people in one, which seemed accurate. It also felt fine. I don't think I saw it as a problem at all because it was just that my creative juices were flowing constantly so how could that ever be a bad thing? It was a wonderful thing, and so I'd just ride each wave of inspiration. I remember writing an update once that said, "I'm not a workaholic. I'm just divinely inspired most hours of the day and night." Which felt true to me. And again, I never saw this as a problem because after my creative bursts I would end up getting some sleep. Some. LOL. I felt I didn't need much, and I certainly didn't want it as it took away from all the fun things I was doing. So what appeared to others as super-speed or a helluva lot, felt normal to me. And after being a certain way for so long, of course it becomes 'normal'.

I don't regret how I was, as I produced so many incredible things that I am proud of, but I am aware right now that I can't do that right now. My body has forced me to stop. It's giving me what I wasn't giving myself: rest.

Today Erica pointed out that I've been going strong the last 15 years. What I do know is that I have never stopped working since I had my daughter, because when she was born my inner journey began and I have never once taken a break from it. My greatest work is not visible and cannot be measured except by how much I've overcome and transformed over the years.

People see the results of all my hard work, but have no idea what I went through to achieve the life I now have, to be the person I am now. None of it was handed to me. It was hard-earned. I was willing to face the darkness and go through the hell that most cower in front of. I was willing to lose my family of origin in order to create the family my daughter has been raised in. I did all of my major growth on my own and I raised my daughter on my own, without a guide or a role model for either, just a knowing that I can't repeat was I was taught, and a belief that I have the power to change it.

As if I knew HOW to do that. As if I knew it WOULD pan out. I didn't. If I did, there'd be no challenge, no test of faith, no chance to gain strength and courage and I would certainly not be the Mandy that you see today. All I knew for sure is that I couldn't stay here and I couldn't go back, so that only left me with one option: go forward, into the wilderness as it were, and trust that by following my instincts, I will make it out alive.

And here I am again, like I was back then, facing yet another challenge that I was not expecting, but I am needing to deal with because it's not an option to ignore it or set it aside. Just like I never planned my pregnancy at 18, I wasn't planning a health-related issue at 34. But Paige was the gift I never knew I needed, and I can only guess that this too is a gift, whatever it is.

When I met with Erica today I was bitter as fuck about this whole thing, only to have her express the things I had just written about in my last 2 notes. I know, I know. I know already. I DID accept this, but that was yesterday and today I am pissed. Today I am fed up. Today I want to say fuck you to everyone and all of this healing crap because this fucking sucks and I'm in pain and I was better off before I started this series and I'm not even getting laid OR eating steak OR feeling free to just text the hottie I've set aside during the process OR to make out with randoms on the dancefloor like I used to so FAAAAKKK!!!!!! FAAAK IT ALLLL!!!!

You get the picture.

And Erica simply said, "You can always choose to return to those things Mandy. You could stop it all right now and go back to that, if that's what you really wanted to do." I know.

But I also know there is a reason why I started this process in the first place, and whether or not I'm in touch with that reason right now, I know I made this choice from the highest part of myself. So no, I'm not going to bail on this process, but I am sure as hell gonna bitch about it today.

And Erica certainly had no issues with that. In fact, she said, "It's okay. You can be positive tomorrow." And so I let'r rip and I bitched and complained and was miserable and didn't want to listen to any positive thinking crap cuz I was sick of it all. And she just listened. And she cared. And I cried a little. And no I didn't feel any better because the goal was to just feel what I felt, and I felt like shit.

And yes, I know this will pass. I'm not an idiot. And I don't need to hear any feel-good crap cuz I'm the queen of that shit when I'm centered, and it's still all inside me, but for now, I need to vent. I need to scream. I need to let myself be frustrated so that I can get to the other side.

What I need is a ton of good cries. What I need is a ton more sleep. What I need is to get used to the things I can't do right now because my body won't let me. And here I am crying, cuz it's the simple things, like laying in the sun, like napping comfortably, that I can't do. As if I want to get used to that. But I can't push through this or I'll be back in emerg. I just really have to stop doing these things that cause me pain.

I didn't ask for this, but the universe ordered it. And I'm finding my way through it one day at a time.

I feel so empty. Like everything that once filled me up is no longer there. I was so full for so long and now I am depleted and raw and empty and without the things I am used to. Erica loves this shit. And I'm sure I will tomorrow. She sees all of this as a gift. She sees the process working at full-tilt. She sees a Mandy that is that much closer to getting what she truly wants because all the rest has finally been pulled away and there is now some space for something beautiful to enter.

She commends me for not replacing this emptiness with a crutch, with just another addiction or filler. You often see recovering alcocholics trade booze for smoking, or smokers trading in the cigarettes for food. Replacing one vice with another.

But here I am, facing the pain head-on, and hanging on to nothing. Feeling like I'm hanging out in limbo, without a foundation, because it's been ripped out from under me. It's not an easy place to be in. It's uncomfortable. It's a bit scary. It hurts. It's confusing. And yet, it's perfect.

Things need to fall apart to come together. Walls need to come down before new ones can be built. And what I know for sure is that I can't go back to the Mandy I once was, because my body won't allow it, so really, it's about moving forward and finding a way to embrace this new reality and to work with the energy I've been offered.

I'm not sure where all of this is taking me, but I am sure it's somewhere incredible, because sore tummy or not, I'm Mandy, and I fucking rock, and whatever I do will always lead to more awesome in my life.

Shit. I think I just spewed a bit of positive. Ugh. I hate people like me today.

Time for a nap.
xx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 12

(Written Monday, June 7, 2010 at 3:52pm on FB Notes)


Well it looks like I was not the only one who had a challenging weekend. Erica was also at emerg (not for herself, but for a family member), and so today she is needing her own self-care day. Therefore, we will reconnect tomorrow when we both feel up to it.

For those who have been following along, thanks so much. It's been an interesting ride, to say the least.

Today I'm feeling great, despite not being able to stretch my body. I cannot lay down or stand up fully straight without pain. When I am sitting I am absolutely fine. And walking is also fine, except when it involves going up the stairs. I have been sleeping a ridiculous amount which my body is thanking me for, and I have had no choice but to take things easy. I don't love feeling less productive, but caring for my body right now is work enough.

As mentioned in the previous note, I decided to stop taking the pills they prescribed for me. This is a personal choice and I'm not recommending this for others, I just know that this was important for me to do. It was bad enough to not know what was happening inside my body to create such a high level of pain, but even worse being high and out of it while trying to deal with the stress my body was under. I much prefer to know and feel and fully experience what is happening inside me, so that means no drugs.

I love the concept of self-healing because I believe our bodies are remarkable gifts capable of dealing with and overcoming almost anything. Putting my health in the hands of another has never been my first choice, as I think I know my body better than anyone else. Doctors and conventional medicine have their place, to be sure, but in the end, only you know what is right for you.

When the doctor indicated that nothing showed up on the blood tests and ultrasound, I left the hospital feeling frustrasted because nothing had been answered at all. The pain was real and something in my body was screaming for help, but because their method of testing could not pick it up, I was sent back home and told to return if it kept up. Had I thought about it at the time, I would have asked for a different series of tests, but I was beyond exhausted and was high, and it's not like I could have dealt with another 6 hours of waiting anyways. I needed rest more than anything.

So here I am, living like a snail:) Slow as fuck:):):) I don't hate it. It's probably good for me. It's certainly different. I'll rock it:)

Today I slept till about 11:30 which felt fantastic. I went for a walk, ate a wonderful lunch while sitting in the sun, and I painted my nails dark purple. I feel like a kickass chick, and although I've not really done a hell of a lot, I'm ready to go back to bed. When I wake up I will have more energy to do some things this evening, and then of course I'll be going back to bed:)

I still have no clue what happened to my body or why, but I am content to know that it must be healing since I am feeling better each day. If it was like it was Friday I would not be at home writing this note, I'd be back in emerg, so there is definitely progress. Right now my job is to be gentle enough with myself so that my body has a chance to heal naturally. I can't go at the speed I'd like and expect my body to be okay with that. It wants stillness, so I must offer it.

Two more things I'd like to share before snooze time:

1. My idea to self-heal came from something I read in one of Wayne Dyer's books a few years ago. I remember reading about a little boy who had some condition (sorry I forget what it was and I also forget which book it was from) and had had it for quite a while. Then one morning it was gone. Completely gone. And I don't know if it was Wayne who asked the boy or if Wayne simply relayed the story, but the boy was asked what he did to heal it. The boy said he just had a converstation with it. And that stuck with me ever since. The boy befriended the ailment and it healed itself.

I love this idea because I think it's ass-backwards to 'fight' against something. The fight against cancer, poverty, and war/terrorism for example, is ridiculous. What we resist, persists. We all know it's true. It's better to spend our energy on pro-healing, pro-sustenance for all, pro-peace etc.

Many of us attack our 'problems', and I admit I am one of those people. I want it gone so I get aggressive, instead of aligning with the energy and seeing what it's trying to show me. I often make it the enemy, but my new goal is to befriend it, just like the little boy did. And so I got to talking with my body yesterday (laugh if you will), to try to discover what it was trying to communicate with me. The pain was not by accident. It was a very LOUD signal and it wanted my attention. Now it's got my full and undivided attention, and I am honouring its needs better than I have in a while. I'm listening and paying attention, and I genuinely care about its well-being. Sure, I would not have chosen whatever the eff just happened, but I also would not have chosen to have a kid at 18. But as it turns out, life had other plans for me, and judging by how great things turned out with my whippersnapper, I can only assume that something sacred will come from this situation as well.

Though my first response was to resist what was happening on Friday, because I certainly had more important things to do than be unable to stand and walk without crying, there was a reason this was happening to me, and I needed to trust that it was for my highest good. It took me until yesterday to finally accept it fully, but so what. Here I am now and it's all good.

2. Lastly, when I posted on FB that I was in the hospital, the first person to call my cell was the boy who was the reason I began this series. He was wonderful, and he made me laugh as I cried in pain. But after that I felt confused because of course I still desire him and what we shared, but there was also a reason why I had to break free of it. So it has been a struggle all weekend. We hadn't talked in over a month, and we haven't talked since Friday and we probably won't, but it definitely challenged me and my intention for this process. The dreamy part of me hoped that his call meant maybe now we could work out and he could be the man I desire, but the reality still remains that he is not it, so I need to continue along this path without him. It wasn't an easy choice from the start, and it's not any easier now, but I need to stay focused on what it is I'm trying to accomplish through this series.

Anyways, I'm tired. Off to take care of my precious vessel.

With love,
Mandy
xx

SUNDAY. CHILLAX DAY. SERIES RESUMES MONDAY.

(Written Sunday, June 6, 2010 at 6:07pm on FB Notes)


Words have always been my greatest love, as well as my greatest healer, whether through expressing my reality through writing or speech, or by collecting the words of others which echo my own experience or inspire me in some way.

So being that I have been facing something difficult recently, I naturally turn to my personal collection of quotes for some solace. Here is a compilation of insights that I am keeping close to my heart as I heal whatever it is that is happening inside me. Enjoy.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Generally, an illness or an accident is an indication that we may need to look a little deeper at our own needs and feelings, or pay more attention to following our inner guidance. Our soul uses every avenue available to educate and enlighten us. A physical ailment is always an opportunity for learning, growth, and healing on all levels-not only for the person with the ailment, but also for the loved ones who are affected by it. -Shakti Gawain

The body says what words cannot. -Martha Graham

Everything that happens to you is your teacher. The secret is to learn to sit at the feet of your own life and be taught by it. -Polly Barrien Barends

Nature prescribed illness for him. What happens to each of us is ordered. It furthers our destiny. -Marcus Aurelius

So what if I have a broken jaw? It could be worse. Could be a broken back. Screw it. It don't mean nothing. Drive on. -Johnny Cash

Every situation serves everyone involved equally. Isn't that remarkable? You cannot, and will not, encounter a circumstance, or a single moment, that does not serve directly and immediately to the need of your soul to heal, to come into wholeness. There is no perception that cannot be healed, no intention that cannot be changed or replaced with another. -Gary Zukav

Our bodies communicate to us clearly and specifically if we are willing to listen to them. Shatki Gawain

We all have a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person can be. -Jane Austen

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I want to thank everyone who has been sending love my way over the last few days. It has meant so much.

Today I have chosen not to take any medication to ease the pain, mainly because most drugs are simply bandaids and do not even address the cause. While they can serve you until you are well or ready enough to heal without them, I found that being high AND exhausted AND in pain was a horrid mix for me. So now I'm off the drugs so that my body has one less thing to deal with.

I had a wonderful nap earlier today and my kitty, Joey, slept right beside my ouchie the whole time. So for 2 hours I got some healing kitty vibes as I rested. What's interesting is that Joey layed right beside me, on the same side, when I was given a Reiki healing session by Danielle a few months ago. I think he knows what's up:)

I cannot stand up completely straight yet and I have to sleep in a really weird position. I also have to roll myself off the bed because it hurts too much to push or pull myself up. It's like I just had surgery, but without the surgery. I have not cried today so I imagine exhaustion played a significant role in my boohoo fest of yesterday.

I feel much more at peace with things today. I am simply paying attention to my body and not doing the things that make it hurt. I am doing tons of deep breathing and am also writing. I figure my body is communicating something pretty important to me through this experience so I'm doing my best to remain open to what that might be.

Both Fri and Sat were especially hard. Two very important days for me and here I was in tears and pain. I felt incredibly resistant to what was going on. It was the worst time to have something like this happen. And I'm a healthy person overall, so what the fuck? It made no sense.

But today, I have accepted that whether or not I understand its purpose yet, this has happened for a reason, and I will discover it when I'm meant to.

For now, I'm being especially gentle with myself, instead of hating my body for failing me like I did Fri and yesterday. It was such an inconvenience being in the hospital when I had a show and a festival to attend. I didn't get why the universe was placing this on my path. I figured I have gone through enough in my life already to warrant an easy ride for the next 100 lifetimes. But apparently the universe loves giving Mandy a slew of interesting experiences to round her out;)

Well, I'm not sure what else to say right now. My goal is to get through the day as comfortably as possible and I will take care of tomorrow when it gets here.

With love,
Mandy
xx

SERIES STALL

(Written Sunday, June 6, 2010 at 12:53am on FB Notes)


Nature prescribed illness for him. What happens to each of us is ordered. It furthers our destiny. -Marcus Aurelius


As most of you know I was in the hospital last night. Crystal picked me up to go to the Street Dreams show but I couldn't stop crying and I had such a hard time walking so she and Woody took me to emerg. Thankfully they took me in immediately because of the pain I was in. It was too much.

What really sucked is that I got stuck in the fetal position right before the boys picked me up for the radio show. I cried so hard and rolled over and got up. When we got to the station, I had a hard time getting out of the car, and once I got out of it, I began to cry. It hurt so bad and it was fucked because I had a show to do and 5 of the greats to celebrate but I was in and out of pain so it was hard to concentrate. The boys were wonderful though. Carried my stuff, kept checking in.

I wondered why on earth this was happening on the one day I was looking forward to more than any other :(:(

I never felt great that day but I mananged, and my excitement for the show was what mattered to me the most. But by evening, I couldn't take it.

The doctor last night told me it was an ovarian cyst but today's ultrasound results indicated that wasn't the case. They found nothing. But it's something and I've been crying lots and I'm fucking exhausted and I don't understand and I hate not knowing what is happening to my body right now.

I need sleep and I need off these meds. But first I need to find out what the fuck is causing this pain. Have talked to a few people who know a few people in the health industry. Have gotten some suggestions. Maybe I tore a muscle, or it's a gall bladder thing. Was told an MRI or CT Scan might be the way to go.

Am considering a visit to my old chiropractor, or a physiotherapist. I don't know. It just feels like something has ripped apart inside me. And when I move a certain way it feels like it's ripping all over again. Something is not right. I hate feeling physically limited. I feel crippled right now.

I am open to any thoughts or suggestions because I do not want to waste more time at the hospital. It was so impersonal and got me no closer to healing. Medication is always their first resort, which I get and am grateful for because I could barely walk without it, but I want and need to know what the fuck has happened inside my body so that I can heal it. Drugs are a bandaid and that's not what I'm after at all. I need to know the cause so I can do what I need to do to make it better.

Off to bed. Will figure it out tomorrow. Thanks for all the love you guys have been sending through FB, by text and through phonecalls. I know I've been sounding like a blubbering fool but it hurts and I'm tired and I have no clue what it is or what to do. It's a powerless feeling; one I am certainly not used to.

It sucks.

xx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 9

(Written Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 5:23pm on FB Notes)


I am an artist at living. My work of art is my life. -Suzuki


And I've got graffiti on the brain, yo!!! What Inner Strength Series????:):):):)

As mentioned in my previous note, Rob, Erica and I decided I needed a few days off from the sessions to rest and recharge. The sessions will pick back up on Monday as I have a crazy few days coming up so fitting in anything else would be next to impossible. I did get an unexpected call from Erica today though, just to make sure I was still feeling good about the time off and to remind me that they are only a phone call away if I need anything. So sweet:)

My main focus right now is the graffiti show we have coming up tomorrow night and the fact that 2 of the artists have come all the way from New York to be part of it:):):) They are here in Cambridge so what else matters, really;) I'm high as a kite!:) Soooo excited!!!!!

As for happenings related to this series, well, let's just say that if my sense of self-worth was dependent on my kid liking me, I'd be pretty effin' miserable. Thankfully it's not. It sucks living with Paige right now though. Not at every moment, but in most. I've accepted it and think it's quite possible that she's stubborn enough to prolong her spite until the end of this series. It doesn't help that she no longer has use of her cell phone, but she earned that lovely consequence herself. Ah well. We did have a connected time after school yesterday, which was short-lived, and I thought there was a glimpse of something lovely this evening, but alas...I was wrong. Before dinner she asked "What purpose does this serve?" referring to one of the changes we've made. I was pretty sure I went over that already, ON FRIDAY!! But apparently not. And after 5 days now of a snotty kid in my area, I wasn't too keen to go over it again.

I imagine this will be a daily annoyance for both of us. She won't budge. Nor will I. Who cares. We both rock and we'll both ummm...well....we'll just have to suck it up.

Apart from that, I have gotten into the habit of taking a deep breath before ever meal and drink. That was my awesome idea:) Thought it would help me stay mindful while I eat.

Thank you to those who are taking the time to read this, and thank you for the comments I've been getting on my notes. It's much appreciated. Now I need to go prepare for tonight's DIVA class. It's a level 2 class which means the focus is creating change. So perfectly timed for both me and the women:)

I hope you all have a wonderful evening and I will post something tomorrow, at some point, in between all the kickass happenings of my day:) SOOOOOOOO FLIPPIN' EXCITED!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Cheers!!
xxxxx

INNER STRENGTH SERIES: DAY 8, PART 1 & 2

(Written Wednesday, June 2, 2010 at 11:19am on FB Notes)


It's never too late,
You're never too old,
You're never too sick,
To start again from scratch.

-Bishnu Ghosh



PART 1: SUMMARY


Good morning, hotties!!! I'm really looking forward to writing today's note because I had a GREAT sleep and as I walked this morning the note came together in my mind easy peasy:) So now it's just a matter of filling in the blanks and then I'll be out for the day:)

First things first! Yesterday I had a Move session with Rob followed by a Discovery session with Erica. My energy level was pretty low for most of the day and both Rob & Erica catered to that by switching up both sessions. By energy level I am not referring to my body as much as my mind. I was pretty exhausted from all the inner work I've been doing, and the many changes I have made over the last 2 weeks as well.

So taking all of this into account, after my 20 minute warm up on Rob's Eliptical machine, the remainder of the session was devoted to yoga (and one attempt at a pull up:). I have always loved yoga, and I used to practice regularly years ago but had since left it behind. Well, other than on Sunday and about a month or so ago when I did a bunch of Sun Salutations to the sounds of hip hop:) I should really market that. Hip Hop Yoga. Why the hell not?:) At the end of the Move session, I showed both Erica & Rob my 2 favourite poses from the classes I used to take. The hand stand (Rob joined in and we invited Erica but she wasn't going for it;) and the pose in the picture below. I have no idea what it's called but I remember being the only one in my yoga class (other than my teacher) that could do this:) It was my absolute favourite, and I was so happy that I was still able to do it yesterday. Both Erica & Rob said, 'That's hot!' when I was holding it!!! lol!!! And now that I have been reminded of what I love, I am planning to bring yoga back into my life again.

My session with Erica was the shortest one to date because it was taking so much energy just to think and speak. I needed rest more than anything, so we debriefed for maybe 15 minutes and then we were done. It was at that point that I realized that I needed to set a new boundary while doing this series. What I am doing for myself right now requires all of me, and I simply do not have excess energy to waste on things that don't matter. These 30 days are for me and no one else. I have given plenty over the years and have been more than generous with my heart and soul, and now I need a break from the giving. Apart from my current GODS & DIVAS, I am choosing now to opt out of interacting deeply with others. Most importantly, I refuse to care-take for others during this time because it is ME that needs to be cared for right now. This is what *I* need, so it's my turn for once. HOLLA!!!!!:):):) I don't want to play Jesus this month (inside DIVA joke), and as a result of this, I wrote this update:

"To those who care: It's not personal. I'm neglecting everyone equally:) The notes are the only thing I am willing to give to others right now. The rest is just for me. This is inner work, not an inner vacation, and I will not spend time on non-essentials or other people's stuff. Thanks for understanding. Back to work!"

What I love about those who truly care about me (and that would be all of my friends and family) is that they respect, understand and honour this. So thank you. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by the greatest humans on the planet. And y'all will be invited to my end of this series celebration, whatever that ends up looking like. It will most definitely include steak (sorry Rob), dancing, a chocolate martini, and of course those whom I love and who love me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I also have another wonderful plan for myself once I have completed this process: my very first nude shoot!! Jodie Anne Normore of Prettyhate Photography will be doing the honours and I absolutely can't wait!!! The Inner Strength Series ends Monday, June 28th, and we will be shooting immediately after. I think this is the perfect way to celebrate myself and mark my accomplishment. It will be a symbolic representation of my essence, free of all the things that had been weighing me down. Me at my purest; without artifice. I love it. This shoot is a gift I am giving to myself. I know they will be beautiful shots, and I will include the FB friendly ones in my modeling album. Can't wait!!! Thank you Jodie!!!!




PART 2: WHEN YOU CHANGE, EVERYTHING CHANGES


Now onto a concept I know everyone can relate to: CHANGE.

On Sunday I sent out a message to the GODS & DIVAS FB group called 'WHEN YOU CHANGE, EVERYTHING CHANGES', and I got a ton of responses from it. Turns out a number of people can relate and are going through changes that are changing their relationships in the process. I am including the message here that I wrote in September 2008 on my blog Her Happy Highness, and then I will share a bit about how my daughter Paige is adjusting to the changes I am making:

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

It’s inevitable when you move towards your truth; your authentic power, that some others in your life will not. Since most people do not like change, they naturally resist it, and do whatever they can to try and move things back to where/when they were most comfortable.

But as a spiritual warrior, you cannot risk going back to who you once were because that self no longer fits. You have outgrown it. So quite naturally, you begin to outgrow relationships as well, because they no longer serve your highest good.

Therefore, one of the consequences of daring to become our authentic selves is the risk of losing one (or a few) relationship(s) along the way. Just because we are growing in an exciting new direction, it does not mean that those close to us are ready to do the same. If they are not ready, there will be tension between you until they either catch up to your new level of growth, or until the relationship dissolves.

This phenomenon is what I call ‘the casualty of consciousness’.

This is just the essence of life. People come and go in our lives while others are more of a constant, and all serve us every step of the way.

While we can be grateful for those friends and experiences and all that they taught us along the way, knowing that without each of them we would not be where we are today, we can still move on without guilt or regret, because someday we may even outgrow those who are coming into our life right now.

So, if you are in the process of transformation and are noticing a new shift or tension between you and another, you can either agonize or celebrate. You can try to fix it, or you can trust and embrace it, and take it as proof of your increasing consciousness. Try the latter;)


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If they are ready, they will walk through the door that you opened for them and join you in that state. If they are not, you will separate like oil and water. The light is too painful for someone who wants to remain in the darkness. ~Eckhart Tolle

Don't be surprised if some people drop out of your life. Your friends may not like it when you change because your light will expose the darkness they may still be attached to. When you make changes on the inside, it is only natural that changes will take place in every area of your life…things will find their balance, and harmony will soon be in place. ~Kathy Freston

You must dare to disassociate yourself from those who would delay your journey. Leave, depart, if not physically, then mentally. Go your own way, quietly, undramatically, and venture towards trueness at last. ~Vernon Howard

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For Paige, this has not been easy. On Friday night we had a heart to heart and I shared the things I wanted to change in our home, specifically regarding our daily rhythm. I wanted to change a few habits of ours, and I wanted to implement a few new things that I have wanted to do for years, but didn't make the time or didn't have the energy for. On that night she was fully on board and we had an incredible and connected evening. Saturday was just as great and I felt so proud and happy about where things were going in our family.

But by Sunday, Paige had had enough. She wanted things back the way they were, and when I did not waver on what had been decided, she did a number of things to show her frustration. So Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were a real struggle here because she would barely speak to me, and even when she did, she was certainly not pleasant.

Because I was clear on why I was making these changes and I knew what the end result would be, I was able to detach from her reaction to it. Monday night was hard though, as it did make me feel sad to not feel connected to my daughter. In her upset, she defriended me on Facebook, which has happened before, so I'm sure it will come back around again. This morning was the first she has spoken to me kindly since Sunday, so I am hoping that her resistance is subsiding.

The reason I am sharing this is to let people know that no matter how well functioning a system is (family, relationship, work for example) generally, if one person changes, whether it's a positive change or not, everyone connected to that person is forced to find a way to deal with that change. Some people can accept and support this shift, but that's usually when it doesn't affect them directly. If it does affect them, it is natural for them to want the person to change back. Of course Paige was more comfortable with how things were, and I understand why this is not a welcome adjustment for her, even if it was at first. But her resistance is not my problem to fix. She will find her way through this. Things will settle as they're meant to, once we both get used to these new things. It's all good.

P.S. In light of all the work I've been doing, and the busy time I have coming up, Rob, Erica & I decided that it would be wise and beneficial for me to take a few days off from the sessions with them. I love this idea and I need the reprieve so that I can take the time to process everything and just live out the insights I've gained. I will still do the daily notes during my time off so that I can keep current with my process.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and I thank each of you for reading this and being a part of this process with me.

With love,
Mandy